Excuse me, please!

I was in my English class yesterday and our lesson was basic sentence patterns. The S-IV, S-TV-DO, S-TV-IO-DO, etc. We were given a xerox copy of an article in the newspaper that is written by Letty Jacinto-Lopez to be used in an activity after the lecture. The title of the article is "Excuse me, please!" and this was what it is all about:

NOTE: The following posts were all originally copied from the article written by Ms. Letty Jacinto-Lopez. All first persons are referred to Ms. Lopez.

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the US. These were E-mailed to me by my sister-in-law. Wag tularan!

~My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
(Oh 'di ba? Pinapapatay 'yung anak n'ya!)

~Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
(Eto pang isa! Pag nag-absent pala, papatayin ka!)

~Dear school: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
(O, nadagdagan ang araw!)

~Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
(Ano daw?)

~Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
(Hanapin natin!)

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out from his face.
(Bwehehehe... 'La ako masabi!)

~Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
(Buti pa veins niya, close sila.)

~Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
(Sa Pinas, hectare...)

~Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
(Ah... eh... i... ow... u...)

~Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyren direathe the shits.
(Sinabi na kasi LBM na lang e. Pasosyal pa kasi.)

~Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
(So, transsexual pala si Irving?)

~I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
(Ano ba naman yan? Di alam ang size ng anak nya!)

~Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
(Stud service ba 'yung school n'ya?)

~Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
(Ay grabe! Iba na talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon.)

~Maryanne was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
(Hahaha, telenovela... bow. Makuwento siya ha.)

~Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
(Winner ito! Ang galing! Puwede rin kaya sa office ito? What do you think?)

=))...